Spring Break in SF - April 2008

            It’s been an interesting week in San Francisco. It’s only been four months since the last time I’ve been here yet I realized right away this trip would be different. The theme of the previous visit was Home for the Holidays now it’s Where Do I Go From Here. At first I thought this visit was about letting go. Perhaps I was clinging to my life in California in response to the uncertainty I’ve been feeling. In order to give Maine a fair chance, I need to stop thinking in terms of returning to the west and let events in the east unfold as they will. That much is true, but there is more to what I’m feeling. This is also about holding on. I spent sixteen years here and there are many relationships and experiences that I want to take with me no matter where my journey leads. This week has been about letting go of the where and focusing on the who and what. I’m on a journey and I have no idea where the hell it’s going to lead, however the image of what it’s all about is becoming clearer, and I know who I hope will travel with me through emails, letters, phone calls, visits, etc. This trip is about moving forward instead of looking back.

 

The move to Maine has been different from my Chicago to California move seventeen years ago. Back then I had more of a game plan. I had some job prospects, a place to stay while getting settled, and better feel for what San Francisco was like (I had been out to visit a few times beforehand). In contrast, I knew nothing about Maine except for a half-day visit Al and I had taken years before. I had researched what to do to get a Maine teaching credential but decided not to act on it wanting to keep all options open and not feel stuck in a job because I was afraid to take a chance. Needless to say, this approach made me a bit nervous so I built in a contingency plan, a safety net. I took a leave of absence from my job, as opposed to quitting, and was ready to return if all the pieces didn’t fall into place within a year. That’s the part I’m letting go of - the idea of a timeframe and backup plan. Whether I stay in Maine, go back to the Bay Area, or move to Timbuktu I want it to be part of my journey and not done out of fear of the unknown or to create a false sense of security based on financial needs. If I have to dig ditches to pay the rent, I will. OK with my bad back that’s not really going to happen, but you know what I mean.

 

            I made a few trips back to Chicago shortly after moving to San Francisco. Like this move, I was keeping open the option of moving back if life on the west coast wasn’t what I’d hoped it would be. It was the same ‘don’t burn your bridges’ mentality as this past year. The reality was that I was reestablishing relationships in hopes of carrying them into the future regardless of where I ended up. Worried that friends might forget me, I became the annoying guest that always seemed to be around despite living so far away. One friend started losing track of how many times I had been back, which led to an odd sense of comfort in that my visits weren’t special events; they were just opportunities for friends to get together. Some time later I realized I wouldn’t be going back to live but I’ve been pretty good about keeping in touch and still get back there about once a year. Chicago is my hometown and the people I knew there are family. I still feel very close to them despite the miles that separate us.

 

                If Chicago represents my childhood and early adult family, then I guess California is my first marriage. And I find myself in the same situation as when I left Illinois – worried about being so far from the family I created there and what will become of those relationships. Call it insecurity, but I worry about ‘out of sight/out of mind’ instead of focusing on ‘absence makes the heart grow fonder’. So I keep going back to the Bay Area and getting in everyone’s way – once again the annoying guest that never seems to leave. Forget me? I don’t think so. Through my actual ‘marriage’, I found out how devastating it is to be cut off from someone I loved for many years, thus I’m committed to keeping those kinds of losses to a minimum. Now I’m looking at the different aspects of my life in California and the relationships associated with each in hopes carrying them forward as I move on to the next phase of my life.

 

The first place I look is at the school I worked in for so many years. Working at Palma Ceia School was more that a job to me – I felt part of a community there. Some people believe in keeping their professional life separate from their personal life but I can’t operate that way; I need to have a personal connection to what I’m doing for it to feel fulfilling. For many years I had that connection with teaching in Hayward. I got to know several of the neighborhood families and I felt part of a team with the staff. Unfortunately, in the last couple years (the last year dramatically so) that unity seemed to be unraveling. Building community seemed to be set aside in favor of contract negotiations, raising test scores and budget concerns; likewise individual creativity was being replaced by district and state mandates. My career was turning into a job and I wasn’t feeling as fulfilled working there; I needed to move on. At the same time, I made some very dear friends there and I miss seeing them on a day-to-day basis. I got together with, or at least talked to, a few of them this week and I hope that signals a new direction in our friendship. I hope that the lines of communication remain open even in the absence of a professional relationship.

 

            Next I look at the activities I was involved in outside of work and the people I met through them. Starting with tennis, where I was able to combine exercise and socializing. I spend a lot of time trying to keep in shape and it was something I tended to do alone. There are only so many hours in a day so when I discovered the joy of getting a good workout and meeting new people simultaneously, I dove into it full-force. As I got more involved with the local tennis organization I began to make several acquaintances, some of whom turned into friendships, and a few turned into family. Many of those relationships were contingent on my involvement with the tennis club and will drift away with time. Not that they weren’t real friendships, it’s just the reality of the situation. However, my former tennis partner became like a sister to me and there are a couple buddies that I hope to keep in touch with and try and see whenever I’m in town. As for the others, they will be fond memories I will carry with me.

 

            Two-stepping was my other primary social outlet. It, too, became somewhat of a hobby that I could develop with others. The country-western bar gave me a venue for meeting people in a relatively comfortable environment. A common interest in dancing provided an icebreaker for introducing myself to a new person. I also got to know some of the regulars, which made for a nice blend of familiar faces and potential new friends and acquaintances. The saloon became my ‘Cheers’; where at least a few people know my name. Years ago, when I first moved to San Francisco, I used to dance at the Rawhide but stopped going when I committed to a relationship. A decade or so later, when I was back to being single, I started dancing again and was surprised to see many familiar faces from the old days. At first I couldn’t believe those guys were still doing the same thing. However, my attitude quickly changed as I began to see the value of having a reliable institution for guys to turn to for kinship. The Rawhide closed years ago because of an erratic owner, but a group of committed people preserved the community that existed within the business by opening the Sundance Saloon as a nonprofit organization run primarily by volunteers. I volunteered myself and it was gratifying to be part of an organization built out of caring and commitment. It’s the type of involvement I will look for wherever I happen to be.

 

            Finally, I think about the relationships that just came to be on their own. The ex-roommate who always seems to be there whether I call every other day or every other month and provides support in the most subtle, unassuming way. Then there’s the passionate, newer friend that encouraged me to look at relationships in a whole new light. With his guidance, I began to see how much I could learn about myself by learning about others and I started feeling safer opening up on so many different levels. After my breakup, another kind sole invited me into his home for the holidays and immediately became family. I have spent the last three holiday seasons with him including flying in from Maine this past year. There are others as well that had a similar impact on my life in California.

 

            I’m a true Sagittarian; I found the following description of my sign that pretty well sums up my situation:

 

But sometimes trying to tie down these free-spirited individuals is frustrating for those around them. Sagittarians are happiest on the move - exploring new cultures and ideas and many are attracted to occupations related to travel, the media, outdoor work and philosophical pursuits. In love, their catch-cry is "don't fence me in". But once they find a partner who understands their need to retain their own sense of self and identity, Sagittarians can be the most big-hearted, generous and fun-loving companions of all.

 

Whether you believe in astrology or not, the description fits. I know I’m a pain-in-the-ass to be friends with. As soon as I get settled somewhere, I get overwhelmed with the desire to explore somewhere or something new. Fortunately, there are people in my life that understand that and have stuck with me. It’s been many years since I moved from Chicago but it’s still a priority to get back regularly and check in with the folks there. In between visits, phone calls and emails help to overcome the distance between us; my new interest in writing has been a boost in solidifying friendships as well. Now I’m establishing the same connection with the gang in California. This arrangement won’t work for everyone; I understand that and harbor no ill feelings towards people who move on without me. On the other hand, some of those relationships run deep and I’m optimistic they will survive the fact that I’m a vagabond (or euphemistically – a free-spirit). Time will tell; for now I’ll just keep buzzing back now and again keeping an eye out for how things unfold. Interestingly, I think some friendships have deepened now that I’ve moved away…hmmm, that doesn’t sound so good, does it?

 

I’ve never had a big desire to own a house, it represents being tied down, however there are times when I miss the feeling of home. I like being ‘free-spirited’, but sometimes I feel disconnected and adrift. Chicago has always been a place I can go to get grounded again. Right now San Francisco is serving the same purpose. In the uncertainty of my present situation, I often reflect back on what a nice life I had there, not with a feeling of sadness and loss but with a sense of pride and confidence. I loved it there and it became my second home. So now I have two places to get grounded. I’m not letting go of California; I’m solidifying my connection to it and the family I developed there. As is typical with me, I am living my life backwards. Most people live at home and use vacations to explore – I, on the other hand, live my explorations and use vacations to visit home. It may seem crazy, but it’s what works for me.