I’m thinking about designing a new roller coaster. A ride filled with twists and turns, dark tunnels so you don’t know what’s coming next, and the usual slow and easy ascents that lead to a paralyzing fall that leaves you breathless. And I think I’ll call that roller coaster Journey 2007. What a year! I started the year buckled in my seat thinking I was on ‘It’s a Small World’ only to find it was really ‘Space Mountain’. I’m starting 2008 feeling like I just lifted up the restraint and climbed out of the car. My legs are a little wobbly and I’m a bit disoriented but at the same time feeling rather exhilarated. It was quite a ride and I survived, a real accomplishment though I’m really not sure what it all means. What is it about a roller coaster; why is it so invigorating to scare the begeezus out of ourselves? What does it say about those who enjoy that kind of thrill? What does it prove?
2007 was a year to shake things up and it raised a lot of questions. I’m counting on finding the answers, at least some of them, in 2008. I shook things up in 2005 by ending a 12-year relationship with He-who-shall-not-be-named (I say in jest) and settled into a pretty nice live on my own in 2006. Unfortunately, there were must have been a few issues that I overlooked and I needed to resolve them before I got too settled. So I tossed everything up in the wind and set sail on this journey. New Years Resolution #1: learn to take baby steps.
I suspected right away that Maine may not be, probably isn’t, the final stop on this adventure. However, the way things have unfolded here, I think this was the right place to come work on myself. This is my Betty Ford Clinic and my addiction has been living other people’s lives instead of my own. I see myself as others see me and have kind of lost touch with who I am. It’s an easy trap to fall into and I’m sure I’m not alone but I’ve come to a point that I want to do something about it. Whether I stay here, move on, or head back to California I think stepping out of my life for a year will help me analyze what parts I want to keep and what parts I want to change. Then maybe I can put together a plan for the future. I know I want to retire in Hawaii, but how am I going to get there.
What’s interesting about Maine is that in many ways it brings me back to my childhood and early adulthood: the return to four seasons, old fashion values, and a very ‘white’ environment. Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t believe that Maine, at least the southern part, is nearly as prejudice as the Chicago neighborhood I grew up in was, but it is the whitest state in the country. The reality is I just don’t think minorities want to move here – it’s cold, snowy and very rural. Other than being able to find it on a map (maybe) I don’t think most Americans outside of New England know very much about the state at all. It’s not like New York or LA; it doesn’t have a well-known reputation. The poor Somalians that have settled here as part of a refugee-relocation program are in shock. Facing the long, cold winters is better than living in a war-torn country, but not much. The face of southern Maine is changing but it will be a slow process. Someday global warming may make this the ideal place to be as everything south turns to scorching desert but for the time being it’s only the die-hards and those wanting to ‘get away’ that seem to be making their way up here (hmm…what’s that say about me).
It’s been fun, in a strange way, to have seasons again. For someone who never lived in the north, living in the snow and cold may not seem appealing, and often it’s not, but there is something magical about it. To look out your window and see your yard morph into four very distinct looks throughout the year is really far more amazing than any computer-generated transition. I get a little kick out of Vanity Fair morphing Daniel Craig into Vladamir Putin or Hillary Clinton into the Joker but it pales in comparison to seeing your yard go from white, to pastel, to green, to rust. Now don’t get me wrong, I want to visit the four seasons again, but I miss being able to hike and play tennis outside in December and will probably want to get back to that at some point. Winter really limits what you can do especially when it gets warmer and everything gets slushy – then you can’t even enjoy the winter sports. Worst of all, it’s impossible to keep your car clean in the winter. The road salt and constant spraying of dirty water on the outside and clinging snow and slush on your boots messing up the inside are intolerable. Those that know me know I don’t deal well with a messy car. Don’t even get me started on trying to keep the windows clear. I enjoy a good snow and seeing the beauty of seeing everything covered in white but I have sampled the mild, west-coast climate – and it is good.
Because Maine is less populated I think it has maintained a more old-fashioned, for lack of a better phrase, feel to it. People are polite, friendly and very self-sufficient. On several occasions I’ve heard Californians talk about how friendly people from one place or another are. I never thought of San Franciscans as being unfriendly but I guess when you consider how crowded it’s getting and the pace of life there, people do get a bit self-absorbed. It is different here and people seem much more aware of others around them. I’ve also been amazed at how hard people work here to make ends meet. Working more than one job is not unusual; in fact it’s very common. Having tried working two jobs for a while, I find it admirable that people are willing to work that hard but no thanks; one job is enough for me. That’s something I’ll need to seriously consider when deciding how long to stay here. If I end up teaching again, I know I can make a lot more money back in California.
2007 has been a nice blend of time with friends and time on my own. It’s a mix that I need to understand better and learn to balance. I had a great time on my recent trip to California. I played tennis, took walks by the water, and got in some country/western dancing. More importantly I spent most of the time catching up with friends. I realized I had made quite a nice life for myself there with a bunch of wonderful friends and even a romantic interest (which for the time being is probably best left as a lost distance affair). However, while I was there I got very focused on the outer me. I wanted to be out doing stuff all the time: dancing, visiting, going to the gym, etc. I started to neglect the inner me. It would have been a great time to clean up email, catch up on my reading, or, more importantly, do some writing but I just couldn’t focus on those things. As soon as I got back to Maine the thoughts started swirling in my head and I couldn’t wait to get to my coffee shop and start typing away. I immediately let the local school district know I was available to start subbing but I’m kind of hoping to have a few more days to catch up on some personal stuff before they start calling.
I find myself split between the calmness of Maine that allows me time to reflect, write and work on me and the energy of California where I can work on the social aspects of my life. I guess you could say I’m torn between two coastlines, feeling like a fool; trying to live in both of them is breaking all the rules. New Years Resolution #2: stop channeling 70’s pop songs. Oddly enough, though, I don’t feel torn between the two places. Actually, I feel like it’s a coming together of the two parts of me that make up the whole. It would be nice if the two parts of me were more conveniently located and not 3000 friggin’ miles apart but that does seem to be the way my luck runs. New Years Resolution #3 (and the most important one): try and find a balance between the two.
The journey from San Carlos to Portland was the perfect balance. It started with a week in San Francisco saying good-bye to friends then moved on to a week of exploring the west on my own. I visited a few people on the way including a chance to reunite with a very good friend from high school. Then I had a week in Chicago where I stayed with close friends. I’ve been gone from Chicago long enough so that the people I spent time with while there are clearly life-long friends; we’ve kept in touch for the sixteen years I was in California so I think it safe to say we’ll stay in touch for the long haul. If I chose to live life as a vagabond, relationships like those will be vital. From Chicago to Maine included some hopping around and visits with friends and family in Vermont and NYC. Once settled in the house in Falmouth I immediately got busy exploring Maine and New Hampshire. I’ve met some people here, a few of them may turn into deeper friendships, but the focus so far has been on where I want to go from here; and I mean that more spiritually than physically.
Money, of course and unfortunately, is a big concern as I go forward. I budgeted for a year of much lower income but I’ll need to have something in place by the beginning of the next school year. I suspect that I will stick with teaching at least in the short term. I’ll try to get a feel for what the profession is like here. I suspect it will be less demanding than teaching in Hayward was but, unfortunately, it won’t pay nearly as well. So it’s back to the question of balance. Teaching in Maine might allow me more time for writing but will it pay enough to meet expenses and allow me to travel? Would I have to get a second job? Teaching in California is very demanding and there are a lot of distractions. Would I continue reflecting and writing or would that get lost in the bustle? Can I find balance in either place or do I need to consider picking up and starting anew somewhere else (I shutter at the thought)? The answer to these and all your other questions will be answered on the next episode of Jim’s Amazingly Mixed Up Life – yeah right!
I had an interesting experience today that may sum it all up. After working my tail off before the holidays I returned from California unemployed once again. I’m on the substitute list for the local school district and will sign up in a few more districts, but that’s very uncertain work. I flew in to Portland after a big snowstorm and the city looked great all covered in white. Since then it’s warmed up and rained and now everything is slush and mud. The highs and lows and inconsistencies have left me wondering why I am doing this; the whole thing seems crazy. Anyway, I kept my LLBean ID, which I was supposed to turn in on my last day, so that I could sneak into the employee store. The employee store is where a lot of the merchandise that can’t be sold for one reason or another ends up. It’s like a big garage sale that opens for two-hour sessions throughout the week. Beaners line up outside and storm into the place as soon as the doors open. It’s not my favorite way to shop but they practically give the stuff away so it’s very tempting. I got a very nice mid-sized suitcase back in December and now I was hoping to find a bigger one. After standing in line in the rain, fretting that someone would recognize me and bust me for still having my ID, I made my way into the store. Working my way through the crowd, clothes and outerwear flying in all directions, I made my way to miscellaneous section and there it was. Not only did I find a suitcase, it, coincidently, had been monogrammed with my initials, all three of them (and it was only five bucks). I guess the moral of the story is that amongst all this craziness the answer is there; I just need to keep my eyes open and press forward.
One good thing that I’ve discovered is how much I enjoy writing. I appreciate your taking the time to read what I have to say and the positive feedback I’ve gotten. I wrote a lot when I was in the Peace Corps and I got grammar tips in response – this has been a whole lot better. I’ve bought some books on writing and someone even recommended I start a blog. I thought that was a good idea and as soon as I figure out what exactly a blog is I’ll do that. Fortunately, I do have some friends that are a bit more computer savvy than me and will help (I’ve come to the point where I just deny ever having been a computer programmer).
So thanks for reading – writing is much more fun when you have an audience. And may we all find what we’re looking for in 2008.
Comments